• Love, Sex and Relationships / Nastute Commentary

    On Virginity and value and vagina, I guess

    the state of your hymen has nothing, I repeat nothing, to do with your worth as a human being“.

    It saddens me that I feel compelled to share this message in 2013. But I must admit that even in jest, in private, with friends, I help to perpetuate the myth that the state of your vagina somehow speaks volumes about your womanhood and overall worth.

    Let me be clear, I do not think that any woman is worth any less the further she is away from virginity and I never have. I have, however, made jokes and laughed at jokes with my friends that had to do with the compactness of one’s “walls”. I promise to make a conscious effort to stop this for good.

    I recall having a too-long Twitter discussion defending why I would have no problem being friends with a female that others have regarded as a “ho”. The label would be, of course, gained based on the perception or reality of her having a few, several or many sexual partners. Yes, I know these terms are all relative but so is the label which is sort of my point. For some, any woman who has had more than one sexual partner is a “ho” or whore. I know some will say “that is extreme and stupid” but this is the thought of many. Whether you think three is an acceptable limit or one handful or two, it is not for you to determine what is an “okay” number of sexual partners for any woman to have before you begin seeing and treating her as trash. I find it appalling when women do it to other women and utterly disgusting when men do it.  It is these same men that are having sex with the women in the first place- these women are not having sex with themselves after all.

    Now, for me to consider someone a friend, they have to have certain values about them as a person- none of which are inherently linked to how many sexual partners they have or have had. As long as they are being honest and safe with themselves, their partners and, if needs be, their medical professionals, I am okay. The concern for many is being classed in the same category and frankly, as I have grown older, I have placed less value in non-validated negative perception by strangers. The sooner you get to this place, the better. People will always talk and if you make it so easy for someone to control you (by being afraid of what they THINK or say about you), you are playing a losing game.

    But, of course, the real issue is tied to the fact that these women dare enjoy sex. <gasps while clutching pearls> These women, these non-men, dare do what?! <faints> How dare a woman gain pleasure from something she is doing with her body when that pleasure is not completely dependent on a man being the only beneficiary of her actions? We must burn her at the proverbial stake clearly. And if it was not clear before that this is what we have been doing, I hope it is clear now. Women especially need to understand how much harder we are making it for ourselves to enjoy our own lives and independence by policing ourselves in this way. Stop shaming women for liking or loving sex. It’s sole purpose is not procreation. If it was, the human race would need to take a break for a while being that the Earth is over-populated.

    About your virginity…

    I have no issue (why would I? and why would it matter if I did anyway) with a woman valuing her virginity. Sex is a very intimate exchange for many, whether they want it to be or not (men are included in this “many”) and having high regard for the person(s) who you deem worthy of sharing this experience with is perfectly fine, nay, necessary. My issue is when these women feel like they or other women are somehow less precious if the “gift” of one’s virginity is “lost” before marriage or in a casual manner. First off, my virginity was never a gift for anyone but me. Like every other body part, it was always mine and mine alone. I never “lost” it; it wasn’t misplaced nor have I spent time trying to find it back. I was there when I made a conscious decision to move from the unsexed to the sexed.

    Whether you are one who assigns value based on virginity or based on the amount of partners, you are still dead wrong for your role in this serious flaw in societal thinking. The ripple effect of this way of thinking is so dangerous and so unseen by many that I feel it needs to be highlighted.

    A huge-mongous glitch in the society’s bias is the fact that virginity is praised in women and shamed in men. I must now ask, to whom are these men then suppose to lose their virginity*? I’ll wait…

    The topic of virginity in men and the impact of the number of sexual partners on their reputation is one for another post really. After doing more research, I may write on it. Until then, I’ll focus on the women.

    On the issue of “walls’…

    It seems that Sex Ed classes were skipped by too many of us and we are not too good at connecting dots. The vagina, my dear folks, is elastic. Extremely. This means it can be stretched and…wait for it…. snap right back into place. Shoutout to the snapback! I used extremely for a reason, the vagina is NOT an elastic band so please do not make any sly remarks about old and/or stretched out elastic bands- you’re only insulting yourself there. Let us pause for a second and think about the FACT (science, y’all) that for…forever really, women have been having babies naturally and still maintaining healthy sex lives afterwards. Now what does this tell us? That the vagina can push out a PERSON- sometimes more than one- and still go back (in time) to its original state of tightness**. This then means that all this “loose” talk based on the amount of partners is ignorant and more or less false. No penis is the size of a baby’s head. Again, I want no sly remarks. So if a vagina can get back to normal after giving birth, it can after having sex with even the most well-endowed man***.

    You are not more valuable because you are told or feel that you are “tighter” than another woman. You are not better than her. And if your higher value of self is based on this, then I bless you in that self-made prison in which you reside.

    *Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie puts this into perspective here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hg3umXU_qWc&feature=youtu.be . You should watch the entire thing but the points that connect with this post start at 16:30.

    **This may take a longer time for some and Kegels will most likely be necessary. The benefits of Kegel exercises can be enjoyed even if one has not given birth (men can do them too- look it up).

    ***The plumpness of the inside will decrease over time (and after giving birth) but this happens to all regardless of  sexual activity anyway- much like men and impotency (Nature- it may take a while but it WILL get ya).


    Until next post!

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