A couple of weeks or so ago I watched the pilot episode of the series Being Mary Jane on BET and I noticed a strong reaction from my timeline on Twitter when the lead character decides to have casual sex with a former flame. Some were all for it but most were judging. Maybe they were still recovering from the scene where she got her a heaping dose of predate self-love to ensure that she wouldn’t be ruled by her hormones on said date.
But back to the matter at hand. *snickers* I promise that wasn’t planned.
Some were in support of her take charge attitude in agreeing to engage in casual sex and some were not feeling it and then you had those who were ok with it, assuming Mary Jane was not being a ho by engaging in casual sex on the regular with many partners. *sigh* Now, you folks know by now that the qualification attached to the last stance was problematic for me, right? You must by now. Who determines what number qualifies as “many”? Why do they get to decide? Why must we put rules on areas of people’s lives that have zero effect on ours? Tsk.
First, let me state that I am a supporter of consenting, emotionally ready adults engaging in casual sex.
Once you can handle it, and you find a person or people who can as well and who are willing to do this with you, go for it! But please, for your happiness and satisfaction and for your partner’s, be honest with yourself and with them. Do not say or pretend that you can manage it when you are not 100% certain you can.
- Do not attempt to have casual sex if you feel there is any chance there may be guilt or shame experienced afterwards. This rule is for any kind of sex actually. Say no to sex shame or sex shaming!
- Do not engage in casual sex with someone who you suspect or know has feelings for you. Spare headaches and heartaches as much as possible, please.
- Friends with benefits is not always casual sex and vice versa.
Emotionally ready does not necessarily mean that you are emotionally detached from this person. It can mean that you are able to not have the sexual intercourse affect your feelings for this person in a positive or negative way. Simply put, you can do the “nasty” and not get sprung or end up feeling scorned if they don’t want to propose the next day.
Some say the best sex is achieved when you are deeply connected to someone- someone who knows your mental and physical triggers and who uses this knowledge to increase the pleasure given to you. Some say it’s with someone with whom you are your most primal, where the only concern both of you have is to get the other to that peak and to have the most fun on the way there.
I have a friend who says that it’s possible to be deeply connected to a person and have casual sex. Of course, he noted the difficulty for heterosexuals on a whole to connect in a certain way that does not fit just perfect into the rigid set of rules that have been set years gone by.
And this is where I realize the reason behind all the fuss. Casual sex breaks the rules of monogamy. And it breaks these rules out in the open. There is no pretense (if the honesty I spoke about earlier is present) or deceit. And this is absolutely frightening especially if women are doing it. How will we police each other and keep the women under control if we make casual sex acceptable? Will we then have to look at the possibility (read: probability) that monogamy/exclusivity in intimate sexual relationships is not for everyone and maybe do more harm than good when forced? Well, we can’t have that, now, can we?
Before I step on more toes, I’m gonna leave it here. You can share your views, tell me what you think of mine or do both. I appreciate it all. And while you mull over your and/or my opinion, know that there is no right or wrong side to the “should I be into casual sex?” debate. And it is ok to change your views and attitude towards it over time. Do what makes you comfortable [and your partner(s)]. If you don’t know what you like, take some time to figure that out too. Just be really frank about it. Most importantly, if it’s not your cup of tea, don’t order it and don’t chastise others for drinking.
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Until next post!
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