For reasons unknown to me, writing scares me. There are times that the thoughts and ideas and feelings are like an aggressive monster with teeth gnashing away at me and I’m unclear if the solution is to run away or to try and subdue it. Ok, I’ll be honest- the solution is always to try to tranquilize (alliteration party!) but sometimes it seems like the harder choice.
Even though it is the thing that calms me the most, the thing I most hold dear when I do it, I sometimes put it off writing out of guilt (these law courses aren’t going to learn themselves). When I then decide I want to start again, I see a mountain that I have to climb that wasn’t there when I left. And I don’t get why I see a mountain because writing is easy. It’s simple. It’s almost second nature to me. And yet…
Time and time again, the advice is to “just start”. It gets better from there. It will all work out if you just start. But that step is the hardest most times. “What do I say?” “How do I say it?” “Will it make any sense- to me or anyone else?” “What if I’m not as good as I think?”. All these questions plague me and result in me deciding to do something else, anything else (eg: READ about writing) except to begin. And then the mountain looms larger.
I look at all the time wasted and I grow less motivated and more doubtful. The memories of times when words spewed from me like a fountain become fuzzy. I do not start. I lose grasp on the feeling that I am a writer. That hole in me (no nasty jokes here!) stays unfilled, posts stay in drafts and in notebooks incomplete.
But this morning I finally became tired of this feeling. It was just too heavy.I have decided to stop being a passenger in my writing journey. This is me starting.
I’m considering having a friend hold me to my writing responsibilities but I’m not sure I’m ready to lose any of the friends I have now because I “accidentally snapped their head off”. I’m going to try this with just me now. Fingers crossed- figuratively speaking since I can’t write with them in such a position. Here’s to me conquering mountains and monsters!
Are any of you writers or creatives with problems creating? Comment and let me know. I know a lot of you will tweet me or FB your response rather than comment. That’s fine too. Just don’t have me feeling so alone in this.
Thanks for reading! And until next post!
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